The year 2019 left without much fanfare, though I can’t say I’m sorry to see it go. It’s been a year of rushing and running, and while I function well under deadlines and the demands of having a full-time job, as well as a full-time writing career (at least I like to think so) it’s felt a bit like the slick of a knife’s edge along my skin.
I love the excitement of Christmas, usually. The lights and colors and good tidings. The smiles and laughter and hugs. This year, not so much. It felt like too much. Too much work. Too much to do. Too many lists. Too much of…well, everything. Sadness crept in with thoughts of my father (You left too soon, Dad.) and of how much he loved the holidays and everything around it. As I baked treats, I thought of how I had kept going without seeing him all these years, and how I had let go of family traditions, when my parents home was filled with relatives till it was busting at the seams. Good memories. And a lot of love.
As I wiped away the tears, I decided it was time to make my own traditions. Ones that my nieces may someday fondly remember, and in the future pick up the torch to create their own traditions. When it was time for the family gathering, I pushed past sorrows and regrets down deep, and clung to the here and now. We laughed and joked. We ate and played games. And we shared the love of family that has been a tradition in households the world-wide for generations before me, and hopefully, for generations after.
There’s hope in the days ahead. I’m not oblivious to the world’s turmoil. It’s stares me in the face every day. But there’s also much to be grateful for in my small part of this planet, where I surround myself with as many good and nurturing people as I can, and try to give back as much as I take.
So for 2020, the year of duplicity, my goal is to find balance. My balance. Where the fulcrum swings equally with purpose and surety. Where I see as much as being seen. Where I can be open about what I need, and who I am, and give the same in return.
May you find your balance this year, and at the center of it all, may you know you are loved.